I woke up this morning and went for a run, alone. I don't do it often here, I've become a gym rat, but it just felt appropriate given the amount of time I had before work and I wanted to be outside, moving, in solitude. It felt great.
Karma is so amazing, so accommodating and so easy going. I, on the other hand, am not. At least, I feel like I'm not on the inside. We had a wonderful evening yesterday and I felt really happy to have him here, but then I woke up to Monday morning and felt like, "what do I do with this person?" Okay that sounds weird. It was more like, "I have to go to work and he has nothing to do but watch me." I decided to flee and work from my boss's house while she's out for the day. He's going to explore the neighborhood and rest. He's still recovering from jet lag and the whole shock of being here.
The shock of him being here is so heavy. I really knew in my heart of hearts that this would happen, but experience is much more "real." Although, it really is about perception and adaption. I love him, I know I do, but I am seeing so clearly how attached I was to being alone and to not thinking about another person's wants, needs, etc... Really, my life is so blessed and I want to share that. My mind, however, has these ideas of how things "should be" and my lack of patience (I haven't actually lost my patience with him) is embarrassing. Seriously, it's Day 4 and I'm over-analyzing things immensely (and publicly?). *Sigh*
I think this process is about letting go of this clenched grip I have on my "independence" and morphing it into a healthy independence within a loving relationship. Karma is certainly open to that and I think once he has more English skills and a community of friends I'll stop putting all this stress on myself to make things more comfortable for him and for me. Actually, I think I'll stop right now. Stop. Right. Now.
Anam Thubten Rinpoche, my meditation teacher and Tibetan language teacher, talks about pausing throughout the day. Just to pause. Just to sit with the moment that is there, "good" or "bad." These moments may have different feelings we label them with, but essentially they are just moments we experience in this body while it's breathing.
I know it's all good, no matter what happens. Really. The sun is shining, the dog is snoring, my lungs are working, a fly is buzzing. It really is that simple.