Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 4: A Case of the Mondaze

Even in the midst of my routine, it seems so far away from what I'm used to.

I woke up this morning and went for a run, alone. I don't do it often here, I've become a gym rat, but it just felt appropriate given the amount of time I had before work and I wanted to be outside, moving, in solitude. It felt great.

Karma is so amazing, so accommodating and so easy going.  I, on the other hand, am not.  At least, I feel like I'm not on the inside. We had a wonderful evening yesterday and I felt really happy to have him here, but then I woke up to Monday morning and felt like, "what do I do with this person?"  Okay that sounds weird.  It was more like, "I have to go to work and he has nothing to do but watch me."  I decided to flee and work from my boss's house while she's out for the day.  He's going to explore the neighborhood and rest.  He's still recovering from jet lag and the whole shock of being here. 

The shock of him being here is so heavy. I really knew in my heart of hearts that this would happen, but experience is much more "real." Although, it really is about perception and adaption. I love him, I know I do, but I am seeing so clearly how attached I was to being alone and to not thinking about another person's wants, needs, etc... Really, my life is so blessed and I want to share that.  My mind, however, has these ideas of how things "should be" and my lack of patience (I haven't actually lost my patience with him) is embarrassing.  Seriously, it's Day 4 and I'm over-analyzing things immensely (and publicly?).  *Sigh*

I think this process is about letting go of this clenched grip I have on my "independence" and morphing it into a healthy independence within a loving relationship. Karma is certainly open to that and I think once he has more English skills and a community of friends I'll stop putting all this stress on myself to make things more comfortable for him and for me. Actually, I think I'll stop right now.  Stop. Right. Now.

Anam Thubten Rinpoche, my meditation teacher and Tibetan language teacher, talks about pausing throughout the day.  Just to pause.  Just to sit with the moment that is there, "good" or "bad." These moments may have different feelings we label them with, but essentially they are just moments we experience in this body while it's breathing.  

I know it's all good, no matter what happens.  Really. The sun is shining, the dog is snoring, my lungs are working, a fly is buzzing. It really is that simple.


  1. "The dog is snoring?" You have a dog now? Just least "The dog isn't BARKING"! Give yourself time to adjust. Karma is not your house guest ... he's your future husband. He has plenty to keep him busy; teach him all about the wonderful American appliances like the washing machine and the vacuum cleaner. It may be a while before he has a paying job so his contribution will be to help at home while you are working. Anyway, I have always said that vacuuming is "man - work". It involves a big heavy machine and you need to be strong to push it around. Nobody said this was going to be easy. Try to go with the flow and listen to that buzzing fly! We are here for you...XOXO

  2. This reminds me of two things. The first being when Ben moved to Philly (albeit there was no language or cultural barrier) and the second being when we brought home our rescue pup, Ozzie. In both cases I distinctly remember being brought to tears wondering if it would ever feel "normal" and trying so hard to make it work (which was likely what was ACTUALLY making me sad- TRYING). I can happily say that once you begin to let yourself off the hook and loosen your hold on the reigns it all seems to morph into a new life quite naturally. It won't be long before you look back and wonder how you ever felt complete before. Sending lots of good thoughts to you both.

  3. Your mom sounds hilarious. And I love the idea of pausing throughout the day. I should do this more.