Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"Gonna Rise Up, Find my direction magnetically"

I've heard it takes about 90 days to make (or break) a habit. Well, we've passed the 4 month marker since Karma landed and we've definitely found some routine.

For starters, Karma is now a card-carrying Berkeley YMCA member, along with a public library card holder--his two first pieces of identification in the U.S. He hasn't been back to the library since we obtained our cards (I hadn't gotten mine since moving here), but we're total Y gym rats and go every day. My cookie consumption has increased, though, so I'm holding fairly steady. =) I've also been making a point to meditate every day, but not judging myself if I miss a day here or there.

Our first venture to the Y was quite comical. Karma had never been on an elliptical and was like a deer on ice. Seriously, it was a scene. I was grabbing his leg and he had NO idea what I was doing or where I was trying to make his leg go. He's a champ now, both there and in other ways. Since obtaining a bicycle from Sean he rides it around town on his own. He's in love with the Thai Buddhist temple (a different tradition than Tibetans practice) services on Sunday...I should mention they're known for an amazing buffet, which he certainly indulges in as well. Karma is finding his way here and is continuing to study English, make friends at school, connect with friends and family on the phone and share in housekeeping duties with me (very much appreciated!).

I feel like I've been through a real transformation in the last (almost) month since writing. I've had some really deep insights into my own insecurities, habits, feelings, actions....I feel like my feet are finally touching ground and my head is clear. I've been mostly happy, not in a manic, blissed-out way, but in a really sound way and I've really started to fall in love with my husband in a new way. I loved him the day we got married, but now I'm actually seeing him for the amazing man he is. There was a situation last weekend where I was manipulating him to pay attention to me, a temper tantrum of sorts, and in the midst of my tears and complaints, his comment was, "You don't trust me." It struck me in such a profound way. The truth is I trust Karma more than anyone I've ever known. He's the most genuine, open-hearted, grounded man. I knew that in my heart more clearly than ever when he made that remark. So what became even more clear to me in that instant is that I don't trust myself. I'm talking on the deepest level. There is a raw, needy, desperate part of me that I just despise and I don't trust myself not to act out of that place. I know there's nothing "wrong" with that part of me, but I'm seriously ashamed of it. I've been sending that part of me love and know that if I didn't have such an aversion to it, if I didn't try to compact it into such a small corner of myself, then it wouldn't retaliate in such large ways when it just can't take that kind of treatment anymore. The balance of recognition is enough.

So, onward life goes. We're heading to LA on Friday for a long weekend with my Aunt and cousins. Karma's excited for his first US road trip and first time to LA. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and just being really present with them.

I feel really grateful and like the love in me is really sinking in and is ready to bust out.