Monday, December 26, 2011

"But in order to get to the heart, I think sometimes you have to cut through"

Karma's first day in the US. (Oct. 2010)

I've definitely been more nostalgic since I last wrote and since Karma's departure date has drawn closer and closer. He's leaving tomorrow and we're both sad. He's open to whatever is coming his way and I'm optimistic. It's going to be an adjustment, but I'm going to bed feeling good about everything. 

I don't feel like I have much more to add about how things have been unfolding with us than what I said in my last post. It feels a little surreal that he's taking off and that I'm moving into SF, but it all feels "right" and I'm feeling really grounded. 

I took this video of Karma when we were stuck in traffic last week coming home from SF (3 hours to make a 20 minute drive). Needless to say, this is why I love Karma and always will have him as my friend. He's silly and honest and a wonderful man.

I spent today driving home to Berkeley from Santa Barbara. The scenery was breathtaking and I was moved to tears several times. The mountains meeting the ocean are just amazing and I feel so blessed to live here. I'm really looking forward moving into my next place next week.

Wondering what 2012 will bring my way. I'm keeping my arms wide open to the universe....

Monday, December 19, 2011

Yuletide Divergence

Ice Skating in Union Square, Dec. 2011
I haven't been feeling too sentimental about things lately, which is something kind of new to me. I usually tend to be more emotional, but I'm feeling amazingly grounded and am really relishing in it.

Tomorrow I'm filing for divorce. I feel like stating it blankly like that sounds so abrasive. It doesn't feel abrasive. It feels like the natural thing to do...making room for the next step, door opening, chapter, (insert cliche here). I feel excited and happy, not particularly because I'm focused on "the end" of a relationship, but because I'm looking forward. Looking forward to my life in San Francisco (I move Jan. 6th). Looking forward to Karma's new beginning in New York (he moves 12/29).  I'm appreciating what is now in this in-between state ("bardo" in Tibetan).

Kingston Hospital (which I don't remember)
Karma is moving to the city where I was born (Kingston). I haven't been there since I was born, but I've carried a birth certificate with me from place to place that was created at The Kingston Hospital. This I find rather fascinating, although I'm not surprised by these "coincidences" anymore. Karma and I definitely have a connection in this life.

I will be sad not having him nearby. Not walking downstairs for breakfast in the morning and see him at the kitchen table, drinking his coffee and looking at the paper. I'll miss his smile and quirky jokes and infectious laughter. I feel so deeply that he and I will continue to be friends and that reframing our relationship to one of friendship will allow me to be a better friend to him.

It will be strange to come home from Christmas in LA and see him off the next day. I'll be here in Berkeley for another week before I move into SF. It seems like I'm coming around full circle in this little room on Bonar Street. When I moved here in May 2009 Karma was around the world and I was digging into my life here in the Bay area, alone (well, with housemates). Now I will spend my last week in this house as a single tenant while he goes to start a new life where I started mine (this time around).

The joys and sorrows of life will continue to ebb and flow (does that sound hokey?) but I have this genuine knowing in my heart that everything is perfect as it is, even if it doesn't always feel that way as it's happening.

Looks like I'm feeling sentimental after all.

Happy Holidays. I love you all!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Waiting out winter

Usually I like to wait until I feel like I have some sort of resolve on a situation before blogging about it, hence why I've been reluctant to write any blog posts in the last 2 months. But I figure I should just start writing so I don't forget what happens and so anyone who is interested can be up to date. 

Obviously a lot has happened since Karma and I broke up 3 1/2 months ago. We've been living together and will finally be parting ways. The end of this year will bring big changes for us both.  I'll be moving into San Francisco to (hopefully) live alone for the first time (waiting to hear if I was approved for the apt). Karma will be moving east to Upstate New York to teach and help start a Dharma center. Ironically, he may be living near the city where I was born, which I haven't been to since then. 

I went home for Thanksgiving and Karma came for part of the time. It was challenging and intense at times, as I'd expected it might be. I'm glad that he was able to spend time with my family so that they could all have some closure around our relationship ending. Honestly, I was a bit shocked by how affected everyone has been. It makes sense, of course, but I guess I feel like they haven't known him long, or very well. It's really put things into perspective for me. I really respect and appreciate my family for having accepted Karma into their lives in such an open way that in such a short time they are feeling a sense of loss. 

It's been really hard for me to stay present with this process, to not check out/numb out, run away, ignore it, etc... I've really given it as much energy as I possibly can. It has been exhausting and overwhelming at some points, but I'm accepting that as the best that I can do (in those moments). Sometimes I have space for more and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have patience and openness to talk about it, sometimes I don't. A lot of the time I'm content. 

I do, however, always have the intention to be open hearted through this and to grow and give and take all that I can from the experience. Although I have increasingly wanted space from Karma, it's not because I don't love him and care for him as my friend any less than when I ended our relationship. It's because I feel those ways and want to honor this separation and grieve the end of our marriage before I can be fully present as a good friend. It will just take time. That has been difficult for him because this is his first break up, so he doesn't understand boundaries, separation, and transitioning from a romantic relationship to one that's platonic. We're both finding our way and I have faith it's all for the better.