Monday, December 19, 2011

Yuletide Divergence

Ice Skating in Union Square, Dec. 2011
I haven't been feeling too sentimental about things lately, which is something kind of new to me. I usually tend to be more emotional, but I'm feeling amazingly grounded and am really relishing in it.

Tomorrow I'm filing for divorce. I feel like stating it blankly like that sounds so abrasive. It doesn't feel abrasive. It feels like the natural thing to do...making room for the next step, door opening, chapter, (insert cliche here). I feel excited and happy, not particularly because I'm focused on "the end" of a relationship, but because I'm looking forward. Looking forward to my life in San Francisco (I move Jan. 6th). Looking forward to Karma's new beginning in New York (he moves 12/29).  I'm appreciating what is now in this in-between state ("bardo" in Tibetan).

Kingston Hospital (which I don't remember)
Karma is moving to the city where I was born (Kingston). I haven't been there since I was born, but I've carried a birth certificate with me from place to place that was created at The Kingston Hospital. This I find rather fascinating, although I'm not surprised by these "coincidences" anymore. Karma and I definitely have a connection in this life.

I will be sad not having him nearby. Not walking downstairs for breakfast in the morning and see him at the kitchen table, drinking his coffee and looking at the paper. I'll miss his smile and quirky jokes and infectious laughter. I feel so deeply that he and I will continue to be friends and that reframing our relationship to one of friendship will allow me to be a better friend to him.

It will be strange to come home from Christmas in LA and see him off the next day. I'll be here in Berkeley for another week before I move into SF. It seems like I'm coming around full circle in this little room on Bonar Street. When I moved here in May 2009 Karma was around the world and I was digging into my life here in the Bay area, alone (well, with housemates). Now I will spend my last week in this house as a single tenant while he goes to start a new life where I started mine (this time around).

The joys and sorrows of life will continue to ebb and flow (does that sound hokey?) but I have this genuine knowing in my heart that everything is perfect as it is, even if it doesn't always feel that way as it's happening.

Looks like I'm feeling sentimental after all.

Happy Holidays. I love you all!

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