Monday, June 4, 2012

A graduation, of sorts...

It's hard to believe it's been six months since I moved into San Francisco, since Karma left for New York...and that I returned from my original trip to India four years ago. In many ways, I feel like I've graduated—finished an education of some sort. 

These last six months have been nothing short of amazing, and I've been happier and more grounded than I ever remember being. They've also been a huge opportunity for me to really settle into being "myself," that ever-changing, evolving, expanding composite of patterns...with the essence of Universal Love. (I did NOT start doing drugs, I swear. haha Even as I type this, I'm rolling my eyes at how "California" I have become. At the same time, I feel completely sincere about everything I'm writing.)

I do believe I'm coming back "home" to myself, integrating so many compartmentalized parts of myself that I had rejected in so many ways when I was with Karma, and before....that I felt so conflicted about reintegrating into my life after embarking on a "spiritual path." I so clearly see how imperative these aspects of myself are to truly being genuine and authentic to who I am. It's a fine line—I do notice some old habitual patterns coming back, but in a new way, and I'm aware of them. It's nothing harmful, just something I notice. This is especially apparent now that I've been going out more and, even more noticeably, now that I'm dating. How I perceive myself, how others perceive's a delicate dance of ego. I hope I navigate this dance in a way that is beneficial in some way, or at least, not harmful. 

I feel so open to life and to whatever happens. I have been dwelling in this space for awhile now, although the "taste" of this feeling has changed as it's become more familiar. It's not as exciting, invigorating or buzzing as it was at first. Now, I feel more stable in it...floating, but not floundering. The essence of newness is gone, but the open-hearted possibility is not. When I close my eyes and think of the future I see nothing...but not in a morbid way, or anything. I honestly have NO idea where my path is going, and no desire to try to direct or control it on a grander scale. My daily decisions are leading me to a more creative space. I've been cooking, juicing (anyone who follows me on Instagram has seen the plethora of photos), singing (alone), and planning to take classes on various things like screen printing. I have been sporadically practicing the guitar, and want to continue with that. I'm still studying Tibetan, and want to make more time to study outside of class. (Sometimes I have conversations with myself in Tibetan while I'm driving, to continue practicing.) Whenever Karma and I talk on the phone, which is about monthly, he insists on speaking in Tibetan. Good for me, not so good for his English. He's been getting plenty of practice with that, however, since he's living with English speakers. 

I've been expanding into new social circles, still including the people I cherish, as well. Actually, looking back on my time in high school, I've always had friends in various "groups." It seems to be how I relate to people. I have such a diversity of interests, and enjoy meeting new people, it makes sense that I reach out in this way. Unlike high school, however, I am "me" among all those groups. I no longer feel the need to morph myself into whomever I think each group would want me to be. It's such an amazing feeling. I am an island, amongst so many islands...all beautifully unique, yet no different.

So, in the essence of the title of this blog, "bardo," (which means the "in-between" or "transitional" state). I continue to morph, evolve, grow, contract some, expand more, shift, hopefully learn, and give, and act from kindness, compassion, and above all Great Love. Thank you to each of you who have, and perhaps continue to, support me in this journey. I am very grateful. 


The video below is Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros, Man on Fire. I love everything about this band, this song, and this video. The spirit of their music is rooted from a place that I so genuinely try to live from these days. A place of Universal Love, creativity, inclusion...

Below is a live performance of their song, Dear Believer. 

(These lyrics have a different meaning to me than the Judeo-Christian belief of heaven. I don't feel like elaborating now, but am happy to...) 

"May we sing the Earth, Heaven's breath...

...Dear Believer, of fire and rebirth
May we shine the Earth, Heaven's light...

...I say reaching for Heaven is what I'm on Earth to do."

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Digging into new digs.

I'm happier than I can remember being in a long time. Like, years. 

I feel like there's been some sort of energetic shift and that all the compartments in my little world have collided & integrated into one ball of sparkling, energetic bliss. I swear I'm not high. 

Since my last post I've moved in SF and Karma's finished a one-month retreat in Arizona and landed in Upstate NY. He's doing really well and seems excited to be there. This time living apart has done wonders for me and given me the space to really, deeply appreciate our friendship and my love for him as my brother. I don't feel strange at all in saying that. I see on a very core level how and why we came together and have now moved into different directions. He will always be part of my family.

My life in San Francisco is so rich and I've really carved out a little home for myself in my new apartment. I felt immediately comfortable living here and I never thought that it was strange to wake up in this new space. I just knew it was right. 

All those times I had to practice patience last fall, when I was daydreaming of having my own place, and didn't rush out and get one, they have paid off. I have come out on the other end of this divorce feeling connected to myself in a way that I have NEVER experienced. I've been jokingly saying to my friends that I'm now married to myself because for the first time in my life I truly love me. I love being alone and am not desperate to run out and get into a new relationship, or even casually date, really. I'm home on a Saturday night, alone, and wouldn't have it any other way. It's not that I feel like I'm trying to isolate myself, or avoid people, either. I've been spending a lot of time with friends and various groups I'm part of, I just savor my time alone. 

Mountain goats like being alone, too. I'm not sure if that is an actual a fact, but I really like this photo...
Ever since I was a kid I can remember feeling like I didn't want to be alone. My parents would always arrange play dates for me and let me bring friends on vacations with us because as an only child I hated being alone. I always felt bored or lonely. I haven't felt either of those feelings lately. I feel grounded. Content. Spacious. Compassionate. Loving. Glowing. Giving. 

I feel like I'm finally tasting what the essence of life is really about...and it's sweet...and I want to share it with everyone in the world.