Monday, December 5, 2011

Waiting out winter

Usually I like to wait until I feel like I have some sort of resolve on a situation before blogging about it, hence why I've been reluctant to write any blog posts in the last 2 months. But I figure I should just start writing so I don't forget what happens and so anyone who is interested can be up to date. 

Obviously a lot has happened since Karma and I broke up 3 1/2 months ago. We've been living together and will finally be parting ways. The end of this year will bring big changes for us both.  I'll be moving into San Francisco to (hopefully) live alone for the first time (waiting to hear if I was approved for the apt). Karma will be moving east to Upstate New York to teach and help start a Dharma center. Ironically, he may be living near the city where I was born, which I haven't been to since then. 

I went home for Thanksgiving and Karma came for part of the time. It was challenging and intense at times, as I'd expected it might be. I'm glad that he was able to spend time with my family so that they could all have some closure around our relationship ending. Honestly, I was a bit shocked by how affected everyone has been. It makes sense, of course, but I guess I feel like they haven't known him long, or very well. It's really put things into perspective for me. I really respect and appreciate my family for having accepted Karma into their lives in such an open way that in such a short time they are feeling a sense of loss. 

It's been really hard for me to stay present with this process, to not check out/numb out, run away, ignore it, etc... I've really given it as much energy as I possibly can. It has been exhausting and overwhelming at some points, but I'm accepting that as the best that I can do (in those moments). Sometimes I have space for more and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have patience and openness to talk about it, sometimes I don't. A lot of the time I'm content. 

I do, however, always have the intention to be open hearted through this and to grow and give and take all that I can from the experience. Although I have increasingly wanted space from Karma, it's not because I don't love him and care for him as my friend any less than when I ended our relationship. It's because I feel those ways and want to honor this separation and grieve the end of our marriage before I can be fully present as a good friend. It will just take time. That has been difficult for him because this is his first break up, so he doesn't understand boundaries, separation, and transitioning from a romantic relationship to one that's platonic. We're both finding our way and I have faith it's all for the better. 

1 comment:

  1. Whatever you choose in life you know I will always be your friend, by your side, and always will love you!!

    I miss you and cant wait for our next glitterfest.

    P.S Sparkly Asian Vampires do not like Twizzlers!