Sunday, January 2, 2011

Unapologetic Capital Affairs


Everyone's talking about resolutions, new beginning, reviewing the last year, goals for 2011, etc...and honestly, I've been seriously resisting it all.

I don't know why my head's got a thundercloud around it a lot more often than not these days, but that's just the way it's been. I have a plethora of things to be grateful for, I feel really close to Karma and I've avoided getting sick this winter, so far.... But, I've also been eating a lot of sugar these past few weeks (let's face it, the past month+) and have even jumped back on the caffeine train this last week or so. Needless to say, waking up is hard to do now (not in the ultimate sense this time). Both of these things make my mood more unstable.

It's been especially difficult for me to find routine and balance and discipline while staying with my folks in Virginia these past (almost) 2 weeks. Karma and I waited for 6 hours at the airport last Tuesday night trying to leave, but apparently it wasn't meant to be. We're scheduled to fly out this Wednesday and I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Don't get me wrong, I love being with my family and I've enjoyed seeing friends I haven't seen in ages, but I feel like I've got a rock in my existential shoe...ya know? When I think of Berkeley and see the sun set behind the Golden Gate bridge over the Bay, well, I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking of it. My heart sings, flutters and jumps for joy at just that picture in my mind. I'm so blessed to live in a city I'm in love with! I mean, I LOVE that friggin' place! I might just kiss the ground when I get off that plane (eww, probably not).

Karma has been a super trooper through this whole trip. I'm not surprised at all, but I thought I'd just toot his horn a bit. We had another wedding reception when we first got back here--all my parent's friends and neighbors were invited. It was a great night! These were all the "grown-ups" I grew up around, so it was really great to see them after so many years. He handled it like a pro and I promised him no more big parties for us for a long time!

     (Me & my grannies, taken on Thanksgiving) <3

Christmas eve we went to my grandparent's church, his first Christian church service. He wanted to meet the minister afterwards and it turns out he used to teach eastern religion (including buddhism) at VCU in Richmond, VA. Very cool. Christmas day itself was super mellow and Karma made out like a bandit. He was really surprised (and grateful) at how generous my family was to him. We went to a family (extended cousins) party the day after Christmas and he was quiet, but enjoyed meeting everyone. We played the game where you steal each other's gifts and he loved it.

After our flight was cancelled on Tuesday, we spent time with my family and then my parents went away for the weekend. It was great having the house to ourselves, although we spent every day out, we still appreciated it. I love our house in Berkeley, but having your own space...well, there's nothing like it.

I have laughed till I cry on a few occasions because Karma's silliness has increased at least 10-fold. He's great at doing impressions and his view of things is always not what I'm expecting. Today we rocked out in the car to ZZ Top--he cranked it up and said, "good." The subtlety of his humor sometimes is just brilliant. His blatant humor is equally awesome. He loves to let everyone know that we live on Bonar Street by saying, "I live on Berkeley's Bonar." ;)

From the Museum of Natural History (Smithsonian):

I suppose I've never really made resolutions because I have a tendency not to follow through with things and then feel guilty about it. My roommate, in fact, (not so) graciously pointed this out to me. He suggested I not make promises I can't keep. It felt harsh at the time, but I knew he was right. I hate it that he's right.

I do have a few things I'd like to do in 2011, so I'm going to write them down. Maybe they'll actually happen...

1. Meditate every day.
2. Study Tibetan 4 times or more per week. (As in actually studying outside of my class.)
3. Listen to people with my undivided attention (A. because they deserve it and, B. Then I might actually process it)
4. Put every effort possible into work. (If I properly follow #1 & #3 this one should come more easily.)
5.Get back into more regular exercise without re-injuring my ankle.
6. Be less social. (This one is motivated by #2 on my list AND the fact that I want to lay low a bit after the last few years of really focusing on being social.)
7. Practice the harmonica at least 15 minutes a week.
8. Take Karma to see something new in the Bay Area (or outside of it sometimes) at least once a month.
9. Continue making conscious food-buying choices and increase the amount of macrobiotic meals per week.
10. Decrease purchasing plastic items and increase purchasing (when necessary) those made with upcycled or recycled materials.

This list could actually go makes me think of Cheri Huber's writings. She talks about the way in which we judge ourselves is actually a form of violence. I know mine certainly can be. I intend to hold these intentions lightly and not take a hacksaw to my ego if I don't do them. I also don't want to use this "lightness" as an excuse to not do them. Welcome to my daily internal dilemmna...which brings me to my single "resolution," which some of you may have seen on Facebook: "To let go of being uptight, as well as welcome more discipline into my habits." This is a fine line I have a difficult time walking. But, alas, I feel I have let you into my mind of doubt and uncertainty and I have the urge to simply delete this blog entry and pretend it never happened. Instead I think I'll post it, pause, and simply breathe.

May this new year bring each of you to a place where you access that deep well of love and peace within you.



  1. Love you Caroline, thank you for sharing. We're excited you'll be home this week. Kate and I keep asking each other "when does Caroline get home?" Missing you.


  2. i love you so much and value whatever time we can spend together, no matter how brief. thank you both SO much for visiting!!!

  3. It was great having you and Karma in the East for awhile. Though you love SF, remember, your family loves you and we are keeping the "home fires burning!" (Love the photo of you and the Grandma's!)
    Years ago I read a book that might interest you, "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster. You can read synopsis and reviews @