My name is Caroline and I'm an addict.
Well, this is true in many senses and, for those of you who've known me for a long time, know that I've been in recovery for almost 4 years (on the 27th of this month).
That said, I may no longer be addicted to alcohol or whatever sounded fun for a night, but I am certainly addicted to my emotions and to my self. This is what the Buddha described as the human condition....but before I start launching into some philosophical, self-analyzation, I'd better just cut to the chase. I can be such a bitch.
I'm bringing this point up in this particular instance because my dear, sweet, gentle fiance (very very soon-to-be-husband) doesn't know how to react when I'm speaking from a place of pure emotion (i.e. zero awareness) and when he doesn't react "the right way" (Don't be fooled! There IS no right way when I'm in that zone...it's a trap, Karma, run for your life!!!), well, that's when the fire-breathing, incoherent reasoning starts....and then snappy words, fueled by the adrenaline of anger and then, *AH* it happens...the high.
But we all know what happens when we have a high of some sort (have you ever eaten a doughnut?)...yep, we come doooooooown. And that's when the self-hatred and judgment of character come in...and before you know it you're recycling insults you've been using against yourself since you were 13.
How in the world did this whole rant begin, you ask? Hummus. Yes, you heard me right, the mashed up, chickpeas and tahini that taste delightfully salty.
Karma forgot to put his hummus from lunch in the refrigerator when he got home from school and it sat, unrefrigerated all day. And this, my friends, was when I proceeded to use my best cavewoman abilities to react.
Me: "You've ruined the hummus."
Karma: Silence with a very curious look on his face.
Me: "You're wasting my money. This hummus is ruined."
Karma: More curiosity and silence.
Me: "Whatever, it's no big deal." (meanwhile my body language is signaling that it's the biggest deal)
Karma leaves the room and doesn't return.
15 minutes later I go find him silently sitting in the other room studying English. Leave well enough alone you say? Clearly that's the best plan of action...but not if you're a cavewoman.
Me: "Are you mad at me?"
Karma: Silence and motioning me to sit.
Me: "Why didn't you tell me you were mad?"
Karma: Bewildered and silent.
Me (starting to get angry again): "We're both adults here--tell me when you're angry!" Then storming off.
*Sigh* This is very humbling to write out. It sounds absolutely ridiculous.
All will be well in the Rinchen-Netschert household, but when will I learn to think before acting like a cavewoman? And who will teach Karma to stand up to me when I'm having these "episodes?" Perhaps silence is the best answer.
Other than this evenings outburst, things have been truly amazing. The wedding is all planned. The reception is all planned. We're both excited to go to Virginia for Thanksgiving. We're leaving on Monday (11/22) are returning Thursday (12/2) with my mom in tow. I also created a wedding website, if you're at all interested.
Karma's been studying like crazy and his English is vastly improving. I'm so impressed. He isn't as shocked by American culture as much as when he first landed, well, besides the cross-dressed servers at the funky diner we went to last night. He couldn't keep his eyes off the guy in fishnet stockings with a blonde bob wig on (who looked very much so like a man in a dress). He wasn't judging him, he was just sooo intrigued.
He wrote a letter for his friend to give to his main teacher at the monastery where he was living in India (who was, and still is, traveling when Karma left in October). He told him that he's living in America and is no longer a monk and asked him if he thinks he should teach the Buddhadharma (or what he thinks he should do). He's very eager to get an answer, although he says he's not nervous. I'm curious to see what he suggests as well.
I intend on being less cavewomanly and being nice to the nicest guy I know!