Breaking Forward

7 weeks since I last wrote.......it's like a whole new life. A life of transition, which is fitting to the name "American Barbo." "Bardo" translates as "the in-between state" and I'm embodying that. Really this blog should be titled, "An American in the Bardo." I'd originally started this blog thinking that it would be about Karma's integration into US life, but it's really about mine.


Two major shifts (bardos) are happening simultaneously.


It's taken me awhile to gather enough courage to write about it on my public blog, but about 5 weeks ago Karma and I ended our marriage. It was a simple conversation. One that I'd been avoiding, although I'd given up trying before that. I wasn't ready to say it out loud.


I want to use a lot of reassuring words and happy adjectives to make this sound like something different, but what's happening is happening and there actually are a lot of positive things I can say about the situation. I've been thinking about it as "breaking forward," rather than "breaking up."


We are communicating openly, even in difficult moments. We are not arguing often. We are hugging. We are laughing. Sometimes we are sad. We love each other, but it's changed. Mostly for me, but him, too. Us humans have a wide range of emotions, ya know, so divorce brings a lot of those out. I'm grateful that he is the amazing man that he is. I can honestly say "it could be worse."


He wants to stay here and I've consulted with an immigration lawyer who assured me that he'll have no trouble doing so legally. I will continue to support him until he's able to support himself completely. I take that commitment seriously. I feel that he will grow in so many ways from finally having to be on his own for the first time in his life. I am teaching him the skills he needs to do that.


He is a dear friend and I feel that he and I will continue to walk a spiritual path together. During our marriage ceremony with Rinpoche I felt deeply committed to that vow and still do today.


In many ways it's like no other break up I've experienced. We still live together, but in separate rooms. We have breakfast together. We live compatibly....I can't cut and run this time. I must face him every morning, whether he's in a great mood or feeling down. Although it hasn't been very tumultuous since we broke up, it still feels like I'm walking through a fire. A lot of past relationship habits are coming up.


I wanted to strap on a backpack and head to Europe. From a very deep place I felt that that was what I needed to do. This marriage has felt like a subconscious denial of my heritage and culture. Now I have the desire to see where my ancestors are from..to walk on the same ground, sit in the same churches. Looking back on my last few break ups, I've gone away to far lands, whether that was intentional or not, it happened. So, instead of running (which is financially impossible, regardless), I got a new job (the second major shift happening).


I continue to walk through this fire, but I am not alone. I feel so incredibly supported. I keep visualizing the redwood trees. They're some of the tallest trees in the world, but their roots reach long ways to intertwine with their neighbors—holding each other up. This process is allowing me to keep my heart open so that Karma and I can truly be friends.


I worry about him, but know that he will be okay. He was sad, but now he feels better. I can't imagine what experiencing your first love and first break up at the age of 31 might feel like, especially within the span of one year. I've had years of experience in both. I know that the pain dulls with time and that you eventually forget and think back on the relationship from a more removed and grounded place.


Both of our lives have been changed by this experience. I realize now that when I met him I'd lost touch with who I am in an attempt to be more "spiritual." This happened despite all the books I was reading and teachers I was listening to that warned me of the "spiritual ego" that can develop. It was my journey and I don't regret that. I regret the pain that I've caused him. As this break up was first unfolding I regretted marrying him for that very reason, but I don't feel that way anymore. Things will slowly get easier for us. He will heal and someday we'll look back and say "that was hard." It really depends on our mind states. I'm grateful to know that. To not feel without space around the feelings. I'm grateful Karma sees this as something that is happening rather than "happening to him." He is experiencing the suffering of life that he only read and heard about from the monastery. I hope he's able to integrate that into his life and practice in a way that benefits him and others. I hope I can do the same. This process of waking up really is an integration, not a shutting out.


Thank you for letting me share honestly with you...whoever is reading this (myself included).


"Who you are right now is exactly who you were meant to be." —Julia Butterfly Hill (who lived in a redwood for 2 years)

Do you want meat balls?

I've lost my motivation to write (but I'm going to anyways)...but on the flip side, Karma spends the majority of his time at home writing in his journal. Someday I hope he'll write it in English, but it's in Tibetan for now. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to know what he's writing!! :)

Last week Karma started training at a Subway in Oakland where his friend, Tashi, works. He hates his hour-long commute (each way) and has tons of food vocab to memorize (I hear things like: "tuna, black forest ham, honey mustard..." while he's practicing). He had a moment when he came home and said, "My father's lineage goes back 800 years of Dharma teachers and I'm spending my day saying, "Do you want jalapenos?" I think he felt humbled. I felt sick to my stomach. I also said, "Hey, I warned you." Which I did...but it still doesn't make up for the fact that immigrants who come here start over in so many ways (think about doctors who aren't recognized as such when they get here).

I'm happy that he has somewhere to go everyday and is training with a friend who speaks Tibetan, so he can really help him understand, but he and I both know that this is just a jumping off point. Hopefully he can jump in and out quickly. The idea of getting money from a fastfood corporation goes against pretty much every moral I try to live by these days. Again, I get ill at the thought of it. "Factory farmed, gmo corn-fed, shipped across our nation, environment-killing, filled with preservatives, heart attack-inducing....."

*Karma just walked in as I was typing this and asked me to quiz him on his vocab. He's memorized how many pieces of meat go in each sub. It's still gross to me, but if I don't analyze, his pronunciations are hilarious. He also does this thing when he acts tough, shakes his fist and asks, "Do you want meat balls?" This comes from the fact that he came home on Friday totally exhausted and was saying how a woman came in who couldn't make up her mind and that he wanted to reach across the counter, grab her shirt and ask, "Do you want meat balls?"(I died laughing.) This is first time I've really heard him use sarcasm and be openly frustrated.
Welcome to America, babe.

I'm actually quite grateful Karma has found something that will give him the opportunity to practice his English and work with people. He's going to register for fall classes this week, too, so he'll be going back to English classes soon.

Our trip home to VA in July was amazing. It was the first time I've thought about moving back to Virginia in years (since I did so from Austin in '07). I'm just craving being near my family...I'm also savoring the fact that I love them that much and that we have such close relationships now. Karma also really loves being around them. He and Daggy (my grandpa) really connected. Daggy is teaching him how to golf (and has since shipped a box of balls, indoor putting holes, tees...), which is great because no one else in the family is interested in golfing. That alone makes me want to move back.

(I'm being interrupted now to help Karma pronounce "pastrami" and he's walking around saying, "Do you want pastrami? Yes, tonight!" And now he's dancing around in his boxers singing "pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni...you want pepperoni, tell me!" He even put his Subway visor & apron on to really get into character...still in his boxers, mind you. LOL. I momentarily thank Subway for making this possible.)

How can I possibly go one when there's this wonderful show unfolding in my home?

"Teriyaki chicken, roast beef, Subway melt...." I think my grumpiness is melting.... =)

Horsing Around & Getting My Goat

I came home yesterday and was talking to Karma when he stopped me to say, "You look like a horse....or maybe a goat, but only a goat that hasn't been neutered." (What?!)

He was referring to the length of my bangs, which are a bit out of control, I must admit. (I keep curling them in an attempt to prolong the time until I get them trimmed.)

I chuckled, walked into our bedroom closet to change for the gym and he grabbed our laundry basket and pretended to coax me out like it was a food bucket for a horse. I almost died laughing.

These moments are the saving grace of our relationship that I soak up.

It reminds me that despite our cultural and personality differences, we have a lot of fundamental things in common. AND, the fact is, some jokes can transcend culture...or I can laugh at my husband's interesting references and they instantly become jokes. Either way I end up collapsing from laughter exhaustion.

This is in my top 3 favorite things in life.

Since returning from camping things have continued to get better. I had an incredibly busy work week last week (we're redoing our website), tension and anxiety were in high-gear in the office (aka my boss and I, alone and coo-coo pants), BUT I maintained this incredible sense of groundedness through it all. I didn't have a meltdown, cryfest, panic attack (it's a miracle!), nor did I make any stupid or impulsive moves (like snapping at my boss or husband). I'd like to say it's my incredible meditation practice that carried me through it (I have been sitting shortly most mornings these days), but it's most likely my hormonal/chemical imbalance (set off by oral contraceptives) is beginning to relevel itself...however level it normally is. Whatever the case, I feel like I'm in a mental/emotional space that I've been longing (and praying) for. *Whew*

I've been prioritizing have more social connection with my friends and Karma has followed suit, hanging out with friends both during the day (since he's out of school) and in the evenings. We're starting to live together, but more independently (not in an awkward, distanced kind of way). It's most definitely contributing to my PMA (positive mental attitude) these days.

Karma went to see a friend on Sunday in San Francisco, which happened to be during the Gay Pride parade. What should've taken him about an hour, took about 3 1/2 and he was in LOVE with the whole festival. He declared that he is going to march next year IN the parade and will be "gay Karma." If any other partner of mine ever said that I might actually be worried.... I also shared on Facebook that he was buying a ticket for the MUNI, a public transit system within the city, and received a Sacajawea coin as change (the gold $1 coin). He'd never seen one before and asked me if this was "the gay money" in honor of the Pride festival. I laughed about that one for awhile...

He showed me photos and video he took on his new iPod touch (one of his friends gave him). He seemed pretty intrigued with lesbians kissing (not too surprising considering most of my straight guy friends are). He also had a few pictures of a girl dancing around in her bikini in the subway station. Remember, he's only seen a handful of women in bikinis EVER. He thought the fact that people were going topless and painting on their nipples was great. His overarching statement was "This is a VERY good celebration." I have a feeling we'll be in the city for Pride next year (which I would enjoy and will do my best to get him to go in a costume with me)....

I finally went back to my Tibetan class, which was tonight. I finally feel motivated to start studying again and it felt really good to be back in class with all my classmates and with Rinpoche. Some really cool things are starting to unfold, we may begin translating a major text together (we have to be approved by a committee overseeing a larger project first). Regardless, I feel I'm back in the saddle again (in keeping with the horse theme) and I have a few things brewing about my studies/career (more on that as they unfold).

We're leaving for Virginia in one week and we're both really excited. Karma will have Tibetan friends in town from all over the US for HH Dalai Lama's big teaching and my dad's side of the family is coming for a long weekend, family reunion (which was my idea to put together). I haven't seen some of those cousins in 4 years--I'm very, very happy about this reunion!!

Life is good and for the first time in a long time I'm not waiting for them to go sour again, I'm just enjoying it.

Feeling Fired Up after Salt Springs

Who is this glowing woman, you ask?? It's Caroline when she's in connection with the Earth, her body, Dharma sisters, s'mores, and given the mental and emotional space to see things a little more clearly.

This was taken Day 3 of an amazing weekend camping trip to Salt Springs Reservoir in Pioneer, CA. 9 of us total from my young adult, women's Dharma group went last Friday-Sunday and it was like hitting the "reset"button on my emotional state and space of mind.

Being in nature is not something that I grew up learning to love (mom, I do not blame you for this). I did play outside a lot and get dirty, but overnight camping outside wasn't something I did, minus a weekend church getaway in the 7th grade when it rained the whole time. Needless to say, I LOVE it. My mind and body love it. I don't mind being dirty and without modern conveniences--I relish in it. I also found myself feeling more empowered, less whiney and getting into a rhythm...pushing myself outside of my habitual patterns I carry more in the comfort of my everyday environment.

I also enjoyed the time and space away from Karma, although I was really excited to go home and see him (a good sign!). I'm feeling more motivated to be present with whatever is coming up and also feel reconnected to wanting to study Tibetan! Yay!

While I was out in nature, I reconnected with the Truth. I felt this way when I was in India, too. Without the superficiality and material things that come up for me more and more as I'm wrapped up in my life here, I can see what's in my heart. I know what I want to do as a path and how my marriage with Karma is all connected to this. This is also how I felt in India. I know that the Dharma and Tibetan language will be more of the foreground of my everyday life now, even if it's only my intention and I'm not studying or practicing every day right away. The intention feels more like fire in my heart like it did before and it's making me feel alive and reawakened. What an immense blessing.

There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.

I'm really humbled by the number of people who have contacted me after my last post. Your Facebook comments, texts and calls really mean a lot! Thanks!

My last post was really a review of the last couple of months as I'm coming out of this dark mental state. These last few weeks, and this week in particular, have been really great. Karma doesn't read my blog, although he knows about it, he does sometimes read my mind (I swear!). 

I posted last Friday and then later that night when we were laying in bed he started talking about how he feels like he doesn't really know how to be a regular guy. He's been observing the guys at his school and sees how rough they are with each other, hanging out smoking and hitting the bars on the weekends. He's seeing this as the "normal" behavior of young guys (I'm taking a guess that they're probably in their early 20s) and that after all his years as a monk he just doesn't know how to be rough mannered. 

He also has observed (and thinks) that me (and my friends) are in the "bardo" (like the name of my blog)--it means "the in-between state." He's referring to the fact that I'm not like a lot of Americans,  being on the buddhadharma path, being sober, not seeking a lot of material things, etc... These are all things that I struggle with--I swear, having a husband is like facing a mirror of neurosis (one of those magnifying mirrors that show all your pores)--and having them pointed out can be a very vulnerable experience. Anyways, this is a story of opening, not anything negative. 

So Karma's been thinking about what it would be like to not be an "in-between" person. To just go for the American way and to be a club-going, beer drinking guy. Amidst his explanation he kept referring to the fact that I would never let him do that. This got me to thinking...how do I give him the space to be and grow as he wants and needs to all the while keeping boundaries (i.e. not being married to someone who drinks every night when I'm trying to stay sober). It's a toughy. I'm not bogged down by this question, more just holding it gently (and talking to my therapist about it). 

I brought up that we were going to a party the next night and that he might make some friends there, but he brushed if off and said that people would probably be friendly and then he'd never seen them again. It didn't turn out that way, though, he made two new friends, both guys who are studying meditation and buddhism and who were very excited to meet him. It just goes to show that you never know. He was joking that it was because he had a glass of champagne. LOL

So here I am, lingering in the in-between state, but right now I"m seeing it as a spacious place, rather than feeling like I'm floundering....after all, it's all about perspective. 

Tomorrow I'm heading out to Salt Lake Reservoir with 9 of my Dharma sisters to camp for the weekend. Karma is staying home and has some plans already. It's our first weekend away from each other since he got here and I must say I'm really looking forward to it...and also really hoping that I miss him, that would be a good sign. :)

Progress, Not Perfection from the Jewel of the House

This month has been hard. Not as hard as last month, but either way, I finally feel like I'm seeing some light in what has felt like a heavy, dark, existential cloud looming around my heart-center.

It's hard to know what's been due to hormonal imbalance and what's rooted in grounded concern. This fact has made it unbelievably hard for me to trust my own feelings. In Buddhism we're taught not to really "trust our feelings" anyways because they are ever changing, but there's a level in which your emotions are telling you something...something so grounded in your body that at a most basic level it gives you the will to live, to strive, to survive. There were times this past month that the wind was so lost from my sails that it looked like getting out of bed, simply surviving, wasn't much of an option.

I started taking a birth control pill two months ago, along with my knee surgery, which kept me out of the gym for almost a month, so there were a lot of factors. Karma was also having health issues, including having all 4 of his wisdom teeth pulled, then getting severe food poisoning 4 days later (with blood, fainting & an emergency room visit). On top of that, Karma had his immigration interview last Friday, so there was an underlying anxiety leading up to it. The wonderful news is that he was approved, although the interviewer didn't tell us that in person and left us wondering if he would be. I'll get to that in a minute. (I've put a subhead down below if you'd like to skip the depressing stuff.)

Karma and I celebrated our 6-month wedding anniversary last week and the honest truth is that I felt more like questioning the decision, rather than celebrating. What a shitty feeling.

I've been told that the first marriage is hard, but add to the language barrier, cultural differences, financial dependency, surgeries, sickness and, well, it's a recipe for a Caroline meltdown of epic proportions. On the simplest level, the good news is, I didn't drink (can't say I didn't think about it). The bad news is, it's not over.

Karma, of course, has his own waves of mind and sometimes chooses to share them with me. I know my behavior towards him has been unwelcoming and, at times, harsh, but he continues to love me through it, which is sometimes surprising, but definitely admirable. There are things we will have to really dig into once he's been here longer and his English is better, like deep cultural beliefs that feel stifling to me. He truly believes that a wife is the "jewel of the house" and when she spends a lot of time outside of it it feels empty. I can see where he's coming from, especially for families with children, but it's such a patriarchal point of view that my body has such a strong reaction to it. My vitality comes through human connection and social contact and I have been trying to curtail that in an attempt to make him happy, but have dampened my own liveliness and love of life in the process (which, in turn, does NOT make him happy). *Doh* Anyways, I've started to connect to my social life a bit and already feel better.

I have had the space of mind (and am currently feeling groovy) to start seeing light, opportunity and hope within all this. I do realize that my perspective has EVERYTHING to do with how this will turn out. When I'm feeling triggered, do I choose to go down the rabbit hole of anguish, or do I hit my knees and pray? Do I settle myself down comfortably on my little pity pot, or do I reach out and ask for help? Do I continue to list all the things I think are "bad" or are "wrong" in my life, or do find the good? You get the point.

This week seems a little better, perhaps due to my actually sitting down to meditate after a few months hiatus (yes, I realize my insanity could be a direct correlation). I've had some guilt around not sitting, but so much aversion that I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I think my resentments towards my relationship and how connected that is to the Dharma had a lot to do with it. Whatever the reason, my aversion has lifted around that. I'm hoping it will lift around my Tibetan language study so I can start that again, but I'm being patient.

I'm blessed to have an amazing village of support and grateful that even in the lowest of low times, I picked up that 100lb phone and called some of them. Instead of trying to control & "fix" things, I'm slowly learning how to surrender to what's happening and staying present with them. S.L.O.W.L.Y. "Progress, not perfection."

Interview
7:45 a.m. in San Francisco last Friday (my grandma & grandpa Netschert's wedding anniversary date 6/3). We left the East Bay at 6:45, hit no traffic and were there, through security and waiting by 7:25. I hadn't been blatantly nervous much leading up to it, but started getting nervous the night before and was in full force that morning. Karma, of course, was as cool as a cucumber. It helped balance me, for sure. We took along a Tibetan friend to translate, which was a must, or Karma wouldn't have been able to complete the interview.

The interviewer was a small, fierce woman who immediately made me uncomfortable. Her energy was so intense, so severe and so antagonistic. I immediately became subservient in my body language and demeanor. I haven't been around many government-type officials and I realize that there is a level of straight-forwardness, professionalism and power that they must command, but it was very overwhelming (especially given my recent mind state).

She asked him a series of questions, including our address, which Karma messed up (twice!) and then focused her attention on me. She was like a machine gun of questions and my heart rate was up to pace with them. They were mostly questions about his family, but she questioned my birth certificate (my parent's names aren't on it...Why? I have no idea.), my health insurance card (they told me that Karma wouldn't get a card with his name on it and when I explained this she said she had the same provider and they do issue separate cards). She said she needed more time to "follow up" on some information and that they would send us a letter in 2-4 weeks with an answer. When I left there I was shaken, worried that he would get denied and ruminating that it might be my fault. Thankfully we received a letter of approval yesterday, less than a week after our interview, so we're majorly relieved!

I want so badly for everything to be wonderful for Karma and for us as a couple. I want to ride these waves with patience and open-heartedness, no matter what happens. There is light in this journey and some lightness in my chest. A very, very good feeling.

*Side note story
I planned on ending this post with the last section, but just can't leave out this story. We watched the movie "Grown-Ups" with Adam Sandler (not so great) and there was a character whose 5-year-old (ish) son was still breastfeeding and all his friends were giving him grief for it. The next day, Karma says he doesn't understand why everyone thought that that was such a bad and strange thing. I told him that most people only breast feed their kids in the US until they're about a year old. I know that this is vastly different from many other countries, mainly because I know my aunt raised her son in India and breastfed much longer and it wasn't considered strange. When I asked him how old he was when he stopped his said around 7 or 8...but sometimes did when he was 10, 11 and even 12 (on a relaxing afternoon when everyone was just laying around in the grass).
Wait, what?
I asked him if there was actually breast milk and his reply was, "No."
I was immediately judging this (aren't you?). I asked him if it was in any way sexual and explained that most boys at 12 (in America) are thinking about touching boobs, but not their mom's.
He was totally grossed out that I would even suggest that and said it's not uncommon.
I don't really know how to end this story, except by saying that this is a prime example of HOW different our cultures really are and where we're coming from in perspective.
I would like to say that I will NOT be breastfeeding our children until they are 12. =)

Homage to Ani-la

I survived a week since my knee surgery, Karma's cooking and all. It was a little rough in places (more emotionally, than physically, but they're so tightly connected), but I'm hobbling my way back to "normality" and am free from the land of noodle soup. Actually, Karma's simple meals were pretty tasty, there was only one "incident" including a mix-up of balsamic vinegar in place of soy sauce (in noodle soup)...he also convinced me one night that he was "hard-boiling" avocados & heating up some cucumbers...

I swear he lives to see me get frustrated, only to make me laugh at his wacky jokes. One day he came bounding into our room and said,
"I have two ideas, listen to me. The first, we can go to the new movie theatre by our house."
Me, "Where is it?"
Karma, "Over there." (Pointing in the direction of theatre.)
Me, "Really? I didn't see it!?"
Karma, "No, not really."
Me, "What? You lied?"
Karma, "Yes." (Very deadpan.)
I never did hear his second idea, I was laughing too hard at the first. I just love things that make little sense.

Karma has proven himself to be a great nurse (which I could have predicted). He changed the ice water in the machine I had the first 3 nights (for the swelling) without being prompted--even in the middle of the night. He's even thinking about being a nurse's aid, or something similar, at a nursing home...Which brings me to my next point: He's got a work permit! AND we got our interview for his green card. It's on June 3rd, which is my grandparent's (father's side) wedding anniversary. That's the grandma that sponsored to come here, so it wasn't a surprising "coincidence." I didn't know until I told Granny about the interview day and when she told me I was instantly teary-eyed. So, things are going smoothly on that front.

Last night Karma told me a really amazing story about his mother's family that I want to share.
His grandfather was head of a village, including Panchen Monastery (very famous), in eastern Tibet (Kham region). He was apparently a very good looking guy. When the Chinese invaded in 1959, he was taken to prison, as all political leaders (or heads of anything) were (to be "punished" for benefitting from  their fuedal society).

He had two wives. One was Karma's grandmother, the other was a sister of Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche's (very famous lama who came to teach in America and died in the 90s). Karma's grandmother starved to death during the Great Chinese Famine, as so many Tibetans and Chinese did. The other wife fled to India with her family. His grandfather died in Chinese prison and the authorities notified his sister. A nun (ani) who was living in a work camp where she was severely beaten on a daily basis.

His grandfather's sister was a strong woman. When she heard of her brother's death, she walked to the prison to claim his body. It took her somewhere between 2-3 weeks to get there. When she arrived, she had to identify him, which was difficult because he was very skinny, but his face was bloated...not to mention he was in a room full of other corpses, all in similar condition. One of the other prisoners told her which one was him.

Ani-la carried his body on her back for that entire 2-3 week journey to their homeland. She then cremated him and did all the prayers in secret (very risky, especially during the Mao years). I just can't get over the image of this woman carrying a corpse, although probably light because he had starved, through the mountains of Tibet. She was a woman of strong will and strong faith. Apparently the tip of her thumb wore down into a half-moon shape from doing so many mantras on her rosary and she would come home every night from the work camp after doing manual labor and enduring beatings and sit in meditation.

Karma's mother was really young, maybe around age 7, when all of this was happening. She chose to go with her aunt (ani-la) to the work camp. Her other aunt didn't have as difficult a situation, but she was very close to ani-la, so she wanted to go with her. I'm not sure whether or not her aunts knew about their situations prior to his mother choosing her path, but I certainly hope not. His mother spent her youth working doing such things as plowing fields with a yoke on her back, just like an animal would. At some point things became more lenient and she no longer had to work there. I'm going to dig for more details, although because Karma's barely lived with his mother and phone calls to Tibet are dicey these days, it may take some time. I was just really moved by his family history and wanted to share.

Karma loves telling me his family history and stories from his youth. A lot of them include a lot of adversity, which I know he's trying to point out to me to create perspective. I try to stay as open as I can because I know how easy my life has been. Sometimes it's easier to remember than others, but I know, just the same.