Feeling Fired Up after Salt Springs

Who is this glowing woman, you ask?? It's Caroline when she's in connection with the Earth, her body, Dharma sisters, s'mores, and given the mental and emotional space to see things a little more clearly.

This was taken Day 3 of an amazing weekend camping trip to Salt Springs Reservoir in Pioneer, CA. 9 of us total from my young adult, women's Dharma group went last Friday-Sunday and it was like hitting the "reset"button on my emotional state and space of mind.

Being in nature is not something that I grew up learning to love (mom, I do not blame you for this). I did play outside a lot and get dirty, but overnight camping outside wasn't something I did, minus a weekend church getaway in the 7th grade when it rained the whole time. Needless to say, I LOVE it. My mind and body love it. I don't mind being dirty and without modern conveniences--I relish in it. I also found myself feeling more empowered, less whiney and getting into a rhythm...pushing myself outside of my habitual patterns I carry more in the comfort of my everyday environment.

I also enjoyed the time and space away from Karma, although I was really excited to go home and see him (a good sign!). I'm feeling more motivated to be present with whatever is coming up and also feel reconnected to wanting to study Tibetan! Yay!

While I was out in nature, I reconnected with the Truth. I felt this way when I was in India, too. Without the superficiality and material things that come up for me more and more as I'm wrapped up in my life here, I can see what's in my heart. I know what I want to do as a path and how my marriage with Karma is all connected to this. This is also how I felt in India. I know that the Dharma and Tibetan language will be more of the foreground of my everyday life now, even if it's only my intention and I'm not studying or practicing every day right away. The intention feels more like fire in my heart like it did before and it's making me feel alive and reawakened. What an immense blessing.

There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.

I'm really humbled by the number of people who have contacted me after my last post. Your Facebook comments, texts and calls really mean a lot! Thanks!

My last post was really a review of the last couple of months as I'm coming out of this dark mental state. These last few weeks, and this week in particular, have been really great. Karma doesn't read my blog, although he knows about it, he does sometimes read my mind (I swear!). 

I posted last Friday and then later that night when we were laying in bed he started talking about how he feels like he doesn't really know how to be a regular guy. He's been observing the guys at his school and sees how rough they are with each other, hanging out smoking and hitting the bars on the weekends. He's seeing this as the "normal" behavior of young guys (I'm taking a guess that they're probably in their early 20s) and that after all his years as a monk he just doesn't know how to be rough mannered. 

He also has observed (and thinks) that me (and my friends) are in the "bardo" (like the name of my blog)--it means "the in-between state." He's referring to the fact that I'm not like a lot of Americans,  being on the buddhadharma path, being sober, not seeking a lot of material things, etc... These are all things that I struggle with--I swear, having a husband is like facing a mirror of neurosis (one of those magnifying mirrors that show all your pores)--and having them pointed out can be a very vulnerable experience. Anyways, this is a story of opening, not anything negative. 

So Karma's been thinking about what it would be like to not be an "in-between" person. To just go for the American way and to be a club-going, beer drinking guy. Amidst his explanation he kept referring to the fact that I would never let him do that. This got me to thinking...how do I give him the space to be and grow as he wants and needs to all the while keeping boundaries (i.e. not being married to someone who drinks every night when I'm trying to stay sober). It's a toughy. I'm not bogged down by this question, more just holding it gently (and talking to my therapist about it). 

I brought up that we were going to a party the next night and that he might make some friends there, but he brushed if off and said that people would probably be friendly and then he'd never seen them again. It didn't turn out that way, though, he made two new friends, both guys who are studying meditation and buddhism and who were very excited to meet him. It just goes to show that you never know. He was joking that it was because he had a glass of champagne. LOL

So here I am, lingering in the in-between state, but right now I"m seeing it as a spacious place, rather than feeling like I'm floundering....after all, it's all about perspective. 

Tomorrow I'm heading out to Salt Lake Reservoir with 9 of my Dharma sisters to camp for the weekend. Karma is staying home and has some plans already. It's our first weekend away from each other since he got here and I must say I'm really looking forward to it...and also really hoping that I miss him, that would be a good sign. :)

Progress, Not Perfection from the Jewel of the House

This month has been hard. Not as hard as last month, but either way, I finally feel like I'm seeing some light in what has felt like a heavy, dark, existential cloud looming around my heart-center.

It's hard to know what's been due to hormonal imbalance and what's rooted in grounded concern. This fact has made it unbelievably hard for me to trust my own feelings. In Buddhism we're taught not to really "trust our feelings" anyways because they are ever changing, but there's a level in which your emotions are telling you something...something so grounded in your body that at a most basic level it gives you the will to live, to strive, to survive. There were times this past month that the wind was so lost from my sails that it looked like getting out of bed, simply surviving, wasn't much of an option.

I started taking a birth control pill two months ago, along with my knee surgery, which kept me out of the gym for almost a month, so there were a lot of factors. Karma was also having health issues, including having all 4 of his wisdom teeth pulled, then getting severe food poisoning 4 days later (with blood, fainting & an emergency room visit). On top of that, Karma had his immigration interview last Friday, so there was an underlying anxiety leading up to it. The wonderful news is that he was approved, although the interviewer didn't tell us that in person and left us wondering if he would be. I'll get to that in a minute. (I've put a subhead down below if you'd like to skip the depressing stuff.)

Karma and I celebrated our 6-month wedding anniversary last week and the honest truth is that I felt more like questioning the decision, rather than celebrating. What a shitty feeling.

I've been told that the first marriage is hard, but add to the language barrier, cultural differences, financial dependency, surgeries, sickness and, well, it's a recipe for a Caroline meltdown of epic proportions. On the simplest level, the good news is, I didn't drink (can't say I didn't think about it). The bad news is, it's not over.

Karma, of course, has his own waves of mind and sometimes chooses to share them with me. I know my behavior towards him has been unwelcoming and, at times, harsh, but he continues to love me through it, which is sometimes surprising, but definitely admirable. There are things we will have to really dig into once he's been here longer and his English is better, like deep cultural beliefs that feel stifling to me. He truly believes that a wife is the "jewel of the house" and when she spends a lot of time outside of it it feels empty. I can see where he's coming from, especially for families with children, but it's such a patriarchal point of view that my body has such a strong reaction to it. My vitality comes through human connection and social contact and I have been trying to curtail that in an attempt to make him happy, but have dampened my own liveliness and love of life in the process (which, in turn, does NOT make him happy). *Doh* Anyways, I've started to connect to my social life a bit and already feel better.

I have had the space of mind (and am currently feeling groovy) to start seeing light, opportunity and hope within all this. I do realize that my perspective has EVERYTHING to do with how this will turn out. When I'm feeling triggered, do I choose to go down the rabbit hole of anguish, or do I hit my knees and pray? Do I settle myself down comfortably on my little pity pot, or do I reach out and ask for help? Do I continue to list all the things I think are "bad" or are "wrong" in my life, or do find the good? You get the point.

This week seems a little better, perhaps due to my actually sitting down to meditate after a few months hiatus (yes, I realize my insanity could be a direct correlation). I've had some guilt around not sitting, but so much aversion that I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I think my resentments towards my relationship and how connected that is to the Dharma had a lot to do with it. Whatever the reason, my aversion has lifted around that. I'm hoping it will lift around my Tibetan language study so I can start that again, but I'm being patient.

I'm blessed to have an amazing village of support and grateful that even in the lowest of low times, I picked up that 100lb phone and called some of them. Instead of trying to control & "fix" things, I'm slowly learning how to surrender to what's happening and staying present with them. S.L.O.W.L.Y. "Progress, not perfection."

Interview
7:45 a.m. in San Francisco last Friday (my grandma & grandpa Netschert's wedding anniversary date 6/3). We left the East Bay at 6:45, hit no traffic and were there, through security and waiting by 7:25. I hadn't been blatantly nervous much leading up to it, but started getting nervous the night before and was in full force that morning. Karma, of course, was as cool as a cucumber. It helped balance me, for sure. We took along a Tibetan friend to translate, which was a must, or Karma wouldn't have been able to complete the interview.

The interviewer was a small, fierce woman who immediately made me uncomfortable. Her energy was so intense, so severe and so antagonistic. I immediately became subservient in my body language and demeanor. I haven't been around many government-type officials and I realize that there is a level of straight-forwardness, professionalism and power that they must command, but it was very overwhelming (especially given my recent mind state).

She asked him a series of questions, including our address, which Karma messed up (twice!) and then focused her attention on me. She was like a machine gun of questions and my heart rate was up to pace with them. They were mostly questions about his family, but she questioned my birth certificate (my parent's names aren't on it...Why? I have no idea.), my health insurance card (they told me that Karma wouldn't get a card with his name on it and when I explained this she said she had the same provider and they do issue separate cards). She said she needed more time to "follow up" on some information and that they would send us a letter in 2-4 weeks with an answer. When I left there I was shaken, worried that he would get denied and ruminating that it might be my fault. Thankfully we received a letter of approval yesterday, less than a week after our interview, so we're majorly relieved!

I want so badly for everything to be wonderful for Karma and for us as a couple. I want to ride these waves with patience and open-heartedness, no matter what happens. There is light in this journey and some lightness in my chest. A very, very good feeling.

*Side note story
I planned on ending this post with the last section, but just can't leave out this story. We watched the movie "Grown-Ups" with Adam Sandler (not so great) and there was a character whose 5-year-old (ish) son was still breastfeeding and all his friends were giving him grief for it. The next day, Karma says he doesn't understand why everyone thought that that was such a bad and strange thing. I told him that most people only breast feed their kids in the US until they're about a year old. I know that this is vastly different from many other countries, mainly because I know my aunt raised her son in India and breastfed much longer and it wasn't considered strange. When I asked him how old he was when he stopped his said around 7 or 8...but sometimes did when he was 10, 11 and even 12 (on a relaxing afternoon when everyone was just laying around in the grass).
Wait, what?
I asked him if there was actually breast milk and his reply was, "No."
I was immediately judging this (aren't you?). I asked him if it was in any way sexual and explained that most boys at 12 (in America) are thinking about touching boobs, but not their mom's.
He was totally grossed out that I would even suggest that and said it's not uncommon.
I don't really know how to end this story, except by saying that this is a prime example of HOW different our cultures really are and where we're coming from in perspective.
I would like to say that I will NOT be breastfeeding our children until they are 12. =)

Homage to Ani-la

I survived a week since my knee surgery, Karma's cooking and all. It was a little rough in places (more emotionally, than physically, but they're so tightly connected), but I'm hobbling my way back to "normality" and am free from the land of noodle soup. Actually, Karma's simple meals were pretty tasty, there was only one "incident" including a mix-up of balsamic vinegar in place of soy sauce (in noodle soup)...he also convinced me one night that he was "hard-boiling" avocados & heating up some cucumbers...

I swear he lives to see me get frustrated, only to make me laugh at his wacky jokes. One day he came bounding into our room and said,
"I have two ideas, listen to me. The first, we can go to the new movie theatre by our house."
Me, "Where is it?"
Karma, "Over there." (Pointing in the direction of theatre.)
Me, "Really? I didn't see it!?"
Karma, "No, not really."
Me, "What? You lied?"
Karma, "Yes." (Very deadpan.)
I never did hear his second idea, I was laughing too hard at the first. I just love things that make little sense.

Karma has proven himself to be a great nurse (which I could have predicted). He changed the ice water in the machine I had the first 3 nights (for the swelling) without being prompted--even in the middle of the night. He's even thinking about being a nurse's aid, or something similar, at a nursing home...Which brings me to my next point: He's got a work permit! AND we got our interview for his green card. It's on June 3rd, which is my grandparent's (father's side) wedding anniversary. That's the grandma that sponsored to come here, so it wasn't a surprising "coincidence." I didn't know until I told Granny about the interview day and when she told me I was instantly teary-eyed. So, things are going smoothly on that front.

Last night Karma told me a really amazing story about his mother's family that I want to share.
His grandfather was head of a village, including Panchen Monastery (very famous), in eastern Tibet (Kham region). He was apparently a very good looking guy. When the Chinese invaded in 1959, he was taken to prison, as all political leaders (or heads of anything) were (to be "punished" for benefitting from  their fuedal society).

He had two wives. One was Karma's grandmother, the other was a sister of Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche's (very famous lama who came to teach in America and died in the 90s). Karma's grandmother starved to death during the Great Chinese Famine, as so many Tibetans and Chinese did. The other wife fled to India with her family. His grandfather died in Chinese prison and the authorities notified his sister. A nun (ani) who was living in a work camp where she was severely beaten on a daily basis.

His grandfather's sister was a strong woman. When she heard of her brother's death, she walked to the prison to claim his body. It took her somewhere between 2-3 weeks to get there. When she arrived, she had to identify him, which was difficult because he was very skinny, but his face was bloated...not to mention he was in a room full of other corpses, all in similar condition. One of the other prisoners told her which one was him.

Ani-la carried his body on her back for that entire 2-3 week journey to their homeland. She then cremated him and did all the prayers in secret (very risky, especially during the Mao years). I just can't get over the image of this woman carrying a corpse, although probably light because he had starved, through the mountains of Tibet. She was a woman of strong will and strong faith. Apparently the tip of her thumb wore down into a half-moon shape from doing so many mantras on her rosary and she would come home every night from the work camp after doing manual labor and enduring beatings and sit in meditation.

Karma's mother was really young, maybe around age 7, when all of this was happening. She chose to go with her aunt (ani-la) to the work camp. Her other aunt didn't have as difficult a situation, but she was very close to ani-la, so she wanted to go with her. I'm not sure whether or not her aunts knew about their situations prior to his mother choosing her path, but I certainly hope not. His mother spent her youth working doing such things as plowing fields with a yoke on her back, just like an animal would. At some point things became more lenient and she no longer had to work there. I'm going to dig for more details, although because Karma's barely lived with his mother and phone calls to Tibet are dicey these days, it may take some time. I was just really moved by his family history and wanted to share.

Karma loves telling me his family history and stories from his youth. A lot of them include a lot of adversity, which I know he's trying to point out to me to create perspective. I try to stay as open as I can because I know how easy my life has been. Sometimes it's easier to remember than others, but I know, just the same.

Hitch a Ride on the Noodle Express

It hasn't quite been a week since my last post and I just couldn't take not writing about myself (since I tried to stay focused on Karma in my last one). 

I'm having knee surgery on Wednesday. Nothing major. It's arthroscopic (little camera) in an outpatient clinic and they're just cutting a loose piece of cartilage away from under my knee cap. My roommates are out of town and my mom has a lot of  work in VA, so Karma is going to be my nurse. I've been joking that I'll be eating Tibetan-style noodle soup until I can stand long enough to cook for myself, but he's assured me that this will not be the case. I'm interested to see how he handles being "in charge", per se. I'm sure I'm exaggerating (what's new), but it could be quite entertaining. Bonus that we have the new bed and it's unbelievably comfortable!

While I was cooking tonight I asked Karma to clean. He swept upstairs and then, apparently, felt like he was finished, so I asked, "Are you going to mop?" He said it's a Tibetan custom not to clean at night...I thought that was fairly convenient and we got a good laugh. Then, as he walked away, I shouted, "What about the toilet?" He came back to the kitchen and asked if I was serious about him cleaning it....I half grunted, half chuckled and said, "No." Then, he came out with this little gem......

"This is a Tibetan saying: If one mouth speaks two different meanings, then two farts will come from one butt."

He can't be making this up, but it's sometimes hard to believe. Tibetan parables are sometimes really raunchy, I have a book of them. I appreciate that a simple, nomadic culture has such great senses of humor. For my more prudish readers, this may be a good time to stop reading this post...I think things are going to head south (figuratively) from here (due to recent conversations that occurred regarding sex).

Karma told me this story over the weekend about his friend who is a Tibetan monk that was out shopping with a Tibetan guy (not a monk) and they wandered into a sex toy shop. The monk was wearing his monkly attire and felt deeply ashamed to be in there, mostly because the owner was Indian and kept calling him "Guru-ji," which is a very respectful way to address a spiritual teacher. As Karma was telling me this, I realized from his tone and disbelief of the situation that he had NO idea that sex toy shops were common. Nor did he realize that many people from a wide array of backgrounds patron said shops. (I, in fact, used to fill in work at one in Austin from time to time that my friend owned.)

Anyways, I figured that that was as good a time as any to show him my "stash."

[Now my mom reads this blog, along with various other family & community members, so I feel I'm walking a fine line between being boldly honest (I'm holding back here a bit) and being somewhat modest (I'd say that Karma would be mortified if he knew I was "publicly" sharing about this particular story, but he just walked in and read this so I'm in the clear, in fact, he says we might become famous if we write a books together, lol.)

Back to the "stash." (Which isn't much, I might add.)  I thought my husband was going to have a heart attack. He began laughing so hard, which, in turn, caused me to as well. He asked if these were common to have and I said that most of my female friends do. He just laughed and laughed. I told him I used to work at a store that sold similar items and he asked if it was all women coming in alone. I explained that many couples came in shopping together, but sometimes people shopped alone.

I think I blew his mind.

I'm baffled by how much there is for him to learn after being here for 6 months, although, he's been here about as long as I was in India when I met him, which gives me perspective. Catching the bus there was a nightmare since I don't read (or speak) Hindi, not to mention the countless other things I needed my hand held through in order to function. Karma's doing great. He was laughing the other day and saying that there needs to be a class for ex-monks to learn how to be "regular" (married) guys (I'm thinking "Hitch" but more about marriage than dating.)  He's learning more than just our culture & language, that's for sure. Although I agreed with him that it would be beneficial for Tibetan, ex-monks, I'm sure some American-born dudes might benefit, too.

I'll check in post-knee surgery and let you know how the noodles are.....

Time Stole the Blanket on this Blog (or Why My Feet are Smiling)

Uhhh.....it's been just over 2 months since I last wrote. I think writing is like going to the gym, it's really hard to begin again once you've stopped! I've been keeping my laptop off more at night, which has been part of the reason, but mainly, I lost motivation.

Instead of recapping the play-by-play of the last two months, let's just pick up from the most recent of news. It's much less daunting.

We went to Austin, Texas, a few weekends ago, where I lived from (roughly) '05-'07. I wanted to see my wonderful friends and introduce them to Karma. I saw it as an integration of sorts...a balancing of past and present. It was invigorating and I wished we'd had more time there. Karma also really like the city itself and my friends, so I have a feeling it wasn't our last trip there together.

I really want to bring the focus of this post to Karma and less on me and my ever-changing thoughts. Really, I'd intended for this blog (as an entity) to be more about him than me, but let's face it, I'm WAY to vain for that. It's also easier to report what's going on for me (duh) and, of course, what I observe about my husband is still second-hand information, even if he's telling me things directly, so it should be taken with a grain of salt.

Karma is still studying English, but he's been throwing around the idea of "what's next?" more and more. He's now been here 6 months and with his school being closed for the summer beginning in June, well, he's wondering what that will mean for him. We're still waiting for his work permit to come, but we all know (but perhaps don't agree with this) that you don't always need one of those in the U.S. to be employed. It's been a point of contention with us (sometimes) because he's starting from ground zero and I don't always feel like holding his hand through things. Patience is not always my strong suit and after 6 months, well, I think I have set my expectations unrealistically high for him. Anyways, he really wants me to (basically) tell him what his options are for work and I (basically) want him to tell me what he's looking for. Judging by the way things have gone thus far, I will come to my senses and just help him. I can be so freakin' stubborn (and lazy!).

He's decided that no matter how his other work (if at all) transpires, he plans on teaching the Dharma. I definitely support him on this, although I have NO idea how/where to even help him get started with it. Surprisingly, he began with something that I would begin with (and wouldn't necessarily expect him to): his outfit. He found a Tibetan tailer in the area and we bought some fabric, so he'll be looking dapper and fit the part of a Tibetan Lama. I guess I shouldn't say he "began" with his clothes...he has been training & studying for 15 years. That counts for something, doesn't it? I'm curious to how this will all unfold.

In other news, we bought a new bed! Hallelujah!! Can I just tell ya'll how happy my little feet will be not to hang off the end of our full-size?? Actually, can I just tell you how happy Karma will be when I'm not invading his side of the bed all night? He's such a ham--he yells, "Free Tibet! China out!" whenever I get too carried away with taking over the bed or the blankets (or both). He'll make me feel how little room he has, in an attempt to prove a point, but I always pretend like he's got tons of room and shouldn't be complaining...that I'm the one suffering of lack of space. Seriously, we role play this every night. It's always funny, but there's definitely an edge of seriousness because we're two big people in one small bed. Thursday, and that queen-size bed, can't come soon enough!

Bed shopping was a trip. He'd never experienced trying out beds in a huge room full of them. His suggestion was that we each buy two yoga mats (for the floor)...I was ready for the California King, organic, pillow-top, extravagance. We compromised and bought a firm (but not rock hard) bed. He's worried his body will get so used to sleeping on a soft bed that he'll be "ruined" for trips back to Asia (or camping). He's got a good point, but that would never sway me to sleep on the wood floor of our bedroom full-time. Absolutely not.

While in Texas I acquired a new hair-do with bangs. Karma's taken to calling me his "16-year-old" wife and will call me and ask, "Is this the sixteen-year-old girl?" He tickles himself over it and starts laughing, which always gets me laughing. Another thing we laugh about are his impressions. He's taken to doing little skits of his classmates--I swear, it's actually really funny. He'd die before he'd ever let me videotape him doing one, but don't think that idea hasn't crossed my mind.

I'm learning daily from this marriage and from Karma and surprise myself with how open I can be (and also how closed). Really, I'm seeing firsthand how awakening to the Truth through an intimate relationship is a rich, challenging and expansive journey.

"Gonna Rise Up, Find my direction magnetically"

I've heard it takes about 90 days to make (or break) a habit. Well, we've passed the 4 month marker since Karma landed and we've definitely found some routine.

For starters, Karma is now a card-carrying Berkeley YMCA member, along with a public library card holder--his two first pieces of identification in the U.S. He hasn't been back to the library since we obtained our cards (I hadn't gotten mine since moving here), but we're total Y gym rats and go every day. My cookie consumption has increased, though, so I'm holding fairly steady. =) I've also been making a point to meditate every day, but not judging myself if I miss a day here or there.

Our first venture to the Y was quite comical. Karma had never been on an elliptical and was like a deer on ice. Seriously, it was a scene. I was grabbing his leg and he had NO idea what I was doing or where I was trying to make his leg go. He's a champ now, both there and in other ways. Since obtaining a bicycle from Sean he rides it around town on his own. He's in love with the Thai Buddhist temple (a different tradition than Tibetans practice) services on Sunday...I should mention they're known for an amazing buffet, which he certainly indulges in as well. Karma is finding his way here and is continuing to study English, make friends at school, connect with friends and family on the phone and share in housekeeping duties with me (very much appreciated!).

I feel like I've been through a real transformation in the last (almost) month since writing. I've had some really deep insights into my own insecurities, habits, feelings, actions....I feel like my feet are finally touching ground and my head is clear. I've been mostly happy, not in a manic, blissed-out way, but in a really sound way and I've really started to fall in love with my husband in a new way. I loved him the day we got married, but now I'm actually seeing him for the amazing man he is. There was a situation last weekend where I was manipulating him to pay attention to me, a temper tantrum of sorts, and in the midst of my tears and complaints, his comment was, "You don't trust me." It struck me in such a profound way. The truth is I trust Karma more than anyone I've ever known. He's the most genuine, open-hearted, grounded man. I knew that in my heart more clearly than ever when he made that remark. So what became even more clear to me in that instant is that I don't trust myself. I'm talking on the deepest level. There is a raw, needy, desperate part of me that I just despise and I don't trust myself not to act out of that place. I know there's nothing "wrong" with that part of me, but I'm seriously ashamed of it. I've been sending that part of me love and know that if I didn't have such an aversion to it, if I didn't try to compact it into such a small corner of myself, then it wouldn't retaliate in such large ways when it just can't take that kind of treatment anymore. The balance of recognition is enough.

So, onward life goes. We're heading to LA on Friday for a long weekend with my Aunt and cousins. Karma's excited for his first US road trip and first time to LA. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and just being really present with them.

I feel really grateful and like the love in me is really sinking in and is ready to bust out.